I was woken by my parents far earlier than normal with no explanation. We got into the car and set out on our unknown journey. The mood was sombre and silence hung in the car. I didn’t quite know what it was, but I knew something was wrong. As we approached Melbourne it became clear that we were heading to my Nan and Granddad’s. That was a good thing, I loved going to Nan and Granddad’s! When we arrived something was amiss, Nan wasn’t there. The rest of the family was though and everyone was upset. This was the day my Nan died.
The negative feelings that I remember from that day have always overwhelmed me. Sadness, grief, despair and anger. I’d never experienced those emotions before, my parents had always protected me from such things. Perhaps as a result the events of that day have never left my mind. I can recall my Dad trying to be a pillar of strength for everyone, but struggling to hold back his own grief. I recall my Granddad being consoled by everyone and repeatedly describing the events leading up to my Nan’s heart attack. The event that has always stood out the most though was that of my Uncle Mick, consumed by grief and anger endlessly punching and head-butting the garage. For years I couldn’t think of my Nan without having these negative memories overwhelm me.
I didn’t attend the funeral. Mum and Dad decided I was too young and perhaps I was. It’s hard to say looking back what was the right decision, but to be honest I wish I had gone. What I lacked over those weeks was context and understanding. The only thing I truly understood was the sadness and grief. Perhaps the funeral may have given me some closure, so that in time I could have learnt to deal with the negative emotions and remember my Nan for right reasons. In a situation like that though who could really know what the ‘right’ course of action was. Regardless, I recall having trouble sleeping for a long time, recurring dreams about Nan unsettled me. The only way I could overcome what I was feeling was to ignore my feelings, ignore my memories and suppress everything I had ever felt about Nan. Positive or negative.
Fast forward a few years, there was two additional events which would cement my suppression for many years to come. As a youngster we spent our summer days down at the beach. We had some good times, but on this one particular occasion I got caught in a rip. I was never a strong swimmer and I was in a lot of trouble, to be honest I’d gotten to a point where I could feel death upon me. In desperation I prayed to Nan to help me. She answered me and I can acutely remember having a conversation with her. She told me that everything would be ok and that she was looking after me. As she finished speaking a man appeared from nowhere and saved my life. This ‘encounter’ terrified me. I slept at the end of my parent’s bed for the next six months.
The last event started exactly the same way as the day my Nan died. I was woken up by my parents and again travelled up to my Granddad’s at an early hour. I remember being petrified in transit. Once again we were heading up to Melbourne in the early hours, once again nobody was really speaking, naturally I assumed that Granddad had died as well. When we arrived and he was ok I hugged him and didn’t let go for an hour. I still didn’t dare speak what the event had stirred in my head. I actually found out last week that this visit was prompted by Granddad having some heart pains which resulted in his open heart surgery.
It would take roughly 20 years and the confronting of experience of seeing my granddad unwell again to finally make me confront my suppressed emotions. I myself wasn’t feeling the best and had taken the day off work. I was in the lounge room and granddad entered the room. He had no balance, his eyes were all over the place and he had complete fear and shock etched across his face. Only my sister and I were in so I took control of the situation, seeking out medical assistance. To see my Granddad in such a state was a massive shock and whilst I had to stay strong on the outside, inside I was being torn apart by these suppressed emotions from my past, which had come flooding back. It was only in the aftermath once Granddad was alright that I finally sat down with Mum and Dad and told them that I was really struggling to hold things together as it reminded me so much of losing Nan. Mum had a look of shock on her face and told me that was the first time I’d ever spoken about Nan since she had died. Whilst I suppose I knew that, it didn’t really resonate with me until Mum had confirmed it.
In the months since then I’ve been gradually coming to terms with my feelings surround my Nan. To be honest the last few months have felt like walking on a pre determined path towards the moment where I finally feel comfortable expressing how I’ve felt over the past 18 years and turning it into something positive. From Granddad being sick, to my return to England and meeting up with my Nan’s family. Each little piece has helped me transform previous overwhelming feelings of sadness and grief into something a lot more positive and supportive.
My Nan was a wonderful person, she was so full of compassion and love and she touched everyone she come in contact with. Her death was a great shock to everyone that knew her and affected a lot of people including me. Today I remember my Nan as one of the most influential people in my life. My Nan was an ever constant in my early childhood and after she died I thought I had lost that. I realise now that I was wrong, Nan was with me that day at the beach, she is with me now as I type this article and she will be with me for the rest of my life.
Nan, I love you.
xoxo
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